i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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