i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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