Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
