just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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