I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
