so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
