lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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