So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
