I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
