did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
