I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Randomize
