Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
