Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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