Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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