In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
