I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
