Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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