I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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