Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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