we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
