Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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