I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
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Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
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Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing