Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.