i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
