last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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