last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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