I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
