Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
i out mim tonsoeep
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