I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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