Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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