It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
