I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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