Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
