Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
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Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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