So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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