I wannas sexs uuuuu
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
