hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
