Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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