I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
