The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
