I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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