508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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