how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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