The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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