Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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