I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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