Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
