I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
