Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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