No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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