i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
