A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
