make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
