explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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