Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
